is it weird

that i this strange sad feeling in my tummy when i see people i used to know that are all grown up with husbands and kids and i'm still trying to figure out what to be when i grow up and in that stage of a relationship where it feels that i swallowed an entire jar of butterflies and i have absolutely no idea what will happen but know that i am hoping for the very best

i have been waiting

for you, and you walked in the room
right as i was thinking about leaving
i thought, why go so soon
when you appeared like i'm dreaming

387 days later

i think i am past you. there will always be a small hole in my heart. i have morned your loss for a while. i just finally feel that i can finally move on, as you have. i will remember you in fondness, and always hold a place to love you like the best of friends. but i am over you. you left me here. i am not replacing your memory with someone new, but i myself am someone else this time around. it's august 27th, 2010, and for the first time in years i'm myself again

Karma

My boss and i just had a discussion about karma. He first asked if i had dreams, i said yes, and then i asked if he meant aspirations for my life or when i am sleeping. he then asked me of my aspirations. I told him i wished to find a career where i could help people in someway. this led to a discussion about karma and paying it forward.

He then asked why bad things happen to good people...for example, the death of a child. i have been sitting at my desk thinking about a proper response. i don't think tragedy is an example of karma. i think it is a result of being only human. part of existence is feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. loss is an emotion which links us all together regardless of the degree. it is an innate trait we all participate in. our abilities to cope and respond and even relate to one and other are reasons why we experience tragedy.

ah swooooooooooooon

what the most fantastic weekend ever. trying not to gush

madly happy. deliriously giddy. resisitng urge to create sappy playlist and hug complete strangers.
bah!

well hell

two jobs...starting to catch up to me...

So... tbiltm contacts me. ok. great. what a stupid mind fuck. I don't think anything will ever come of this which is, tragic. but at least i know i wasn't making everything up in my head. how do you move on from that tho.

i let go the one i was seeing because i would never feel for him the way i felt for tbiltm. and he was terrible for my self-esteem and wouldn't shut up about his "hot black girl friend" he once had... so fuck that. what about the hot young girl friend he could have had if he had only opened his eyes to see what was there before it walked away?

so all you idiots who i try to give my heart to. stop being dbags. i have an infinte capacity to be the best lover, friend ever. don't fucking call me if you just need to get something off your consciense. fuck you. don't fucking claim me, but not want to acknowledge me until someone else seems interested. don't fucking tell me you only like people with "real jobs." don't blame your fucking insecurities on me. don't fucking pretend you want a relationship then fucking send me home at midnight. all you...

today, is an ordinary day...

and, here we are, again
we pretend
to remain friends
my eyes were opened wide, to the things i was missing
i could not control, the paths were drifting

so go on, and move along
i'll keep on looking through
so go on, and move along
i wish that it was you

but, i was wrong, again
i thought, but then
was only paper and pen
i though if i declared,listing all the qualities,
in someone to have, there are no guarantees...

it does not matter how slowly you go

so i woke up at 7:54...my flight was for 7 am. fml. i though fast. i called american airlines, in a panic. don't make me stay in this city for the weekend. ok dear, the woman said. do you mind going to north carolina? no. ok, for 50 we can change your flight, but you should get to the airport right now. i'm out the door...

so i am waiting to get through security. there is the cutest boy i have ever seen in an airport. bonus. i get a coffee, i buy a book. 100 years of solitude. i board. ok, this is working. land in n. carolina. have 15 min to board plane. nice, minimal layover. board plane. mechanical difficulty. exit plane. follow the chatty australian to the bar. end up having the most enjoyable afternoon in a while, also, not paying for any of my drinks. reboard the plane after changing seats to sit next to the australian, who flirts with the flight attendants who give us free snacks and beers. 2 beers on a one hour flight.

part ways with my australian. greet my best friend. catch the end of a sunset in a hill. go to a rooftop with an amazing view of manhattan. eat an amazing tortilla soup. drink sweet wine with my bff.

most solid day ever.
i love my life

my starbucks vice

If i am going to be working 60 hours a week i can totally justify drinking a 5 dollar coffee every morning... the only problem is that then i go and wait until 2 so i can get a 2 dollar version of the 5 dollar one i drink every morning.

it's the office diet... coffee, a little desk candy...more coffee, diet pepsi. sometimes some water. i'm not going to the gym so much, but i know have a hefty bike ride twice a day and when i work doubles there is always barreling down adams like a banshee between my day job and the night gig...

so, i have to kill twenty-two more minutes until i can go redeem my coupon for a 2 dollar drink. and if that is not enough, dunkin donuts has 1 dollar iced coffees at three...

i am a modernist and you are an idiot

i am leaving you exactly where you stand
you'll never move anywhere, anywhere
i've been ending it for weeks
and i don't even care

your summer vacation is ending
we never rode a ferris wheel, ferris wheel
the things that were important
i swore, for real

you don't even like me, til i'm
already gone
you didn't even care until
i had moved on
and you can't have
what you wont hold
how do you like that,
do what your told

just leave me alone, i'm done
you've chose the wrong words, wrong words
i am over it, over it
i like nouns and verbs
and you like math.

what do you want me to say?

that is a reference to the dismemberment plan... and my life

sooooo, i don't know what i'm doing regarding one certain aspect of my life...wtf am i supposed to do. i have no idea what i said last night. i have no idea what point we reached. all i know is there you were and i tried to end it all. fuck. how come you don't want me til i try to walk away.

as i have been saying, if you don't wise up, all you'll have is parking lots

well hell

I'M PLAYING OFFICE and i kinda like it. it is amazing what wonders working during
"normal people" hours is doing for my psyche...i hate to admit it but i really needed this. no, this is not my dream job, but it sure as hell is beating waiting on the vegans. granted, i am still waiting on the vegans by night, but no longer is all my income dependent on my ability to sell 42 dollar bottles of wine and faux meat.

And i'm drinking less! feeling less depressed... recently got news which tho mind-warped me, instilled a small grain of hope in my heart to know i wasn't completely making things up in my mind. nothing is ever easy, but what is new. for a life that's been difficult, i am happily enjoying jupitor in my astrological sign this year. there are many things i still want, but i am a jillion times better than the boat i was in last year.
so rah!

ah august.

its a death cab for cutie sunday
well already after midnight, its monday
think about all the plans,
we never got though going

i wish we could move back through time
clean strokes of backstroke, lane line
feeling hope and yet defeat
my emotions not showing

the hole you thought filled is now opened,
hearing the words which you were hopein,
all is not lost, yet still is not found
you miss me but you are not around
...