you write a song about a whale

I'll just think of bonus yoga ;)

gonna go to yoga,
gonna go to yoga,
hot yoga, sweaty yoga
gonna go to yoga

now get out on the mat,
get out on the mat
bend and twist, and
bend and sweat
hot yoga hot yoga

and when i'm done with class
hop in to the shower
when i'm done with that,
then i'll come on over

have i told you, i'm frisky
these positions, ain't risky
cause i went to yoga
hot yoga hot yoga

bonus yoga time
you show me yours,
i'll show you mine
bonus yoga time

hahaha
ha
ha

all i want for christmas is you

for realz.

she must have been crazy

you are magical

i would rather be poor
and occasionally hungry
and have to work for things
and keep my old friends
and make new ones
and stay myself
but keep growing
and figure you out
and catch your curve-balls
and continually make myself better
and sleep on the twinster
and still dream in color
and foolishly dance
but with the best partner

seriously, you are magic
like a marker and i like to draw

walking in a winterwonderland

down the salted sidewalk
big thick flakes
stick to my eyelashes and
hit me in the face
i blink and the moment is over
hopefully i maintain footing
not fall on my ass in public
been working on stability but
in heat, and not in wind
ready for summer.
or a beach somewhere.

the waiting part

is quite hard, but
i'm trying. we're growing
even though it feels like 8 below
i'm taking time
but i still wont wear a watch
i look for neat ones to give you though
keep me warm tonight
i need more than kitten love
i prefer your whiskers
rrroww

its too damn cold

to think this much
about not a lot
i don't know what to say
i binged on butterflies again
they swarmed up to my brain
my thoughts like a plague,
there are bats in my ribcage

i feel some heat then
back to sunny yet snow covered streets
trudging my way back,
glance down your alley
and onward,
her sentiments echo mine
more eloquent and in better time

sorry i'm boring, but the snow is high

thursday schmursday

222 i wish for you.
and sexy time too...

ready to be done with this.
not digging on the cold.
i am so, windblown.
feed me a taco, i'm hungry i think
look, i'm getting old
but my shirt is hand sewn

put it in a marquee
write it on the moon
these silly, silly ideals
come no minutes so soon

i miss high ceilings,
roommates, with feelings
the cats want more company
is it to soon to entertain these ideas
i must be making this up
i have to be

well

trying to figure
waiting, is always the hardest part
trying to grow up
make things the way i want them
but i can't figure it out
i try to hard
not enough
think it through but not quite
fuck
its cold as shit outside,
i think i read too well
i just can't get past
writers block.
i'm out of images, i keep spitting words
thought
eat my brains, you zombie
they are turning to mush anyways

well hell

Three letter holes...

Three is how long it takes to kill the charm... and for ghosts to revisit... page my father I do believe this was a whataday

three months ago...

i think its in a song, you knew in 5 minutes, i knew in a second...


terrible balance, impossible optimist
any second now, once you let your guard down.
i read words better than thoughts
compose sentences, bit my tongue
i think transitions seem,
pirate planks and a great abyss
adjust the dials,
forget everyone you've ever been
but stay a lot the same
your musings don't have to rhyme
your ramblings,
well don't worry about me.

check yo mail, yo.

we'll i've sent you something
everyday for a week
it hasn't cost me anything
i used work's postage machine
i guess you haven't got them yet
or you haven't checked your mail
or maybe this is just a great big
big U.S. P.S Fail...

101 posts

i think too much.
used to drink too much.
skate around the roller rink too much.

its getting pretty fricken cold out

i had a jar full of butterflies,
but i binge ate
and they are sinking in my stomach
let me reiterate

champion, again of self sabotage

ruining good things
one drink at a time
i guess this brings
an idea to mind

there is just no undo button
on mistakes, you see
too many butterflies are swimming
just inside of me

blasted champions! of sabotage
oh no

part trois

lake michigan shipwreck(cont.)

it went down
it was magnificent, supposed to be
the windy city, her small sea
now there are oceans between us
the tides were rough

you abandoned ship,
summertime here, I’m seeing ghosts
the one I liked most,
there is water damage to the helm
You just saved yourself

and then it falls,
i still see ghosts,
i kept on swimming,
swimming out, swimming south
a fisherman plucked me,
out of the tide,
took me home, on a ride
he nursed me back to health
shared with me his intellectual wealth
and i still see your ghost
but i ignore, i look away

check it

http://www.nikkiproctor.tumblr.com

i can feel my brain turning to mush!

the cold weather makes me seem
a little bit like a crustation
so sorry, i'm chilly!
lets stay in and play the playstation

my desk job took away
my final summer month this year
i've been soggy and grumpy
but i'll change don't fear!

cause winter is time,
for scarves and hot chocolate too
coffee and other things
warming from the inside for you
and winter is time
to build snow forts and wear boots
watch movies and things
there is lots to do...

so i'll be less crabby,
walk around in the leaves
cause i know this winter,
you'll keep warm with me...

ah bah

it seems the whale swimming in my stomach
is bigger than the belly of the one we're in
maybe its just a watermelon, sprouting from seeds
leaves go crunching underneath,
still, spending too much time in dreams
ignoring other bodily needs
the tides pull left and right,
currents try and erode
never was any good at fishing
i write better notes for empty bottles
wanting so desperately to believe
couldn't bear to put the worm on a hook
the car in the cold, throttles
wanting you to want this hard for me

boss is mad

boss is mad, boss is mad
boy oh boy
this is bad

typing bills, typing bills
watching netflix too
when i was a little girl,
this isn't what i thought i'd do...

boss is mad, and boss is sad
man oh man
so not rad

thirty seven minutes left
and then i can leave and bike out
have to find a pumpkin
after i go and run about

boss man, so mad
boss man, so sad
no more sadface, boss man.
monday is almost over

soooo much

that my phone and id are gone :(


hindsight really does hate on me sometimes...

almost done with work

halfway through the week
almost done with work
15 minutes left
or less, for what its worth

it rained on me today
i had to ride the bus
then i rode the train
it was a lot of fuss

OMG i cannot wait to leave
i'm going to see a rock show
my and my highschool bf
one drink and then well go!

hopefully we sit in the soundbooth
yea, we got the hookup
you know you're getting old,
when you need a chair
hahahaha
oh, there is still 10 mini ricky martens left
of this office job
i am so very bored
but glad to have this office job
cause rent don't pay itself, and vegans suck
vegans suck
i said it
i don't give a fuck
vegans suck

still swooning!

well, it's fall but it still feels like summer's end
let us go and ride bikes again!
i'll scoot on down the street
it's so close, where we meet
through the back alley, in the gate
i'll take you on a moonlit hawt date

granted i have to run off all these snacks
but every calorie is worth just that
so lets have some smooches in the park
makin out, in the dark
and then, lets go watch comedy central or
cartoons, or youtube videos on the floor

we'll talk about taxes and bankruptcies,
glad WE don't worry about any of these
you'll make me a bagel sandwich
coffee, and cigarettes, and bandwith
i'm yours to keep if you want to
yea, i'm yours to keep. if you want to.

October

Its the first time i'm happy to fall

we better get,
some magic stretch mittens
and you know,
i'm hopelessly smitten

lets ride our bikes,
among the crinkly leaves,
i'll make you coffee
if you do please

wahoo...

like leaves falling

Au revoir, un chien
you were the best

she looks across the man-made pond
it isn't long since you've been gone
her nose grows red and tears held back
not angry but she's sad

you saved us all a little bit,
i remember when you bounded in
the 18th of may, your white fur grey
you were a form of relief
our family was complete

the lampshade on your head, was sweet
you so pitiful, you lay with me
i so lonely, and seventeen
we spent time waiting to sleep and dream

she loved you so much more than,
you could have known, she can
she barks louder and harder than bites
she loves more than fights
Au revoir, un chien
you were the best

she looks across the man-made pond
it isn't long since you've been gone
her nose grows red and tears held back
not angry but she's sad

you saved us all without doubt,
i remember when you headed out
the last day of this september
we lost our favorite family member

the light is changing

the air is cooler, it's like a filter outside
i have spent some time
thinking about things

sitting at this desk writing haikus
september has been mine
sort of, it brings

(new light, to new things)
I know what i want and i know what i need
sometimes, it gets hampered by greed
but not the evil kind, just some desire
how to not dig holes, like times prior

so there you have it,
it is all on the table
we're both here, willing and able...

i am getting high off markers

if you read this

than consider us even.

i'm smitten.

resist the urge

to google stalk
its not going to solve, any of your woes
its not going to get you, off of your toes

defunct social networks
and post from years prior
do think too much the interwebs, a liar

get through this last hour of werk,
ride home, boss mans a jerk (today)
only 55 minutes left at this desk
hold on, it's almost the weekend, yet

don't let your mind race like a greyhound
don't give in, and look on the book
stumble instead, take a broader look

eat some candy, drink a diet pepsi
change your pandora radio station
try not to think of your sexy half-asian

*spoken in a whisper*
(at least in that, paranoid irrational sense, that's never sexy)

yeah, yeah, it's finally friday,
yeah, yeah, it's finally friday
yeah, yeah, tomorrow is saturday
yeah, yeah, yeah....

you...

what are quiet eyes? mine scream
where the sky meets the sea
i am still awake, this dream
you sit here with me
with you, i forgot
the ghosts and empty corners
with you, i am not
a lonely mourner

oh blast

so i had to go an think to much about it and now you probably think i am retarded. i don't know what the heck is wrong with me. i am sorry. i fuck everything up. i dunno why. i hope my note works magic, and if that doesn't then pizza cause as james said, pizza is like flowers for boys

fuck you, karyn's on green street

i said it. fuck you! i hope you go out of business you bastards


vegans are pussies anyways.

on another note:

I AM STILL COMPLETELY SMITTEN

so here is another mushy poem!

how can i trick you? (into keeping me)
i'll buy you candy,
i'll send you notes,
i'll write you stories,
bout penguins and billy goats
i'll learn to sing better
i'll bike ride with fever
i'll make you cupcakes
like leave it to beaver

ok, i'm done now.

i got a flat

you said you'd hold my hand to pick up my paycheck,
but i got that flat, so we took a raincheck
and we got a sandwich, the sky turned pink
i'm worried i've fallen harder than we think...

this is how it should feel!

you walked in that room,
uplifted my gloom,
walked me home through hulahoopers
saved me from the paratroupers
did every activity short of ferris wheel riding
i'm walking on air, in fact i'm gliding
i'll feed you tacos, and snacks
i'll iron your shirts and slacks
i'll leave you trinkets for your transit
i'm walking on air, i'm dancin'
so happy i have found you

lets spend the rest of my twenties

smitten like kittens,

for sho

it's not the fall that hurts...

i only move slow when i'm running in the sun
i fear i have already sabotaged what we've just begun

like a bull in a china shop
i don't know how to stop
i just can't turn it off
i want to give it all
paint for you a wall
it's just the way i fall

september!

holy cow how did that happen?

august was awesome! I saw alex, met the australian, had adventures, met a boy, actually stood up for myself...

now this month! i hope to make the most out of every day! Its a swoon for september! i'm gonna stick to my guns! i hope it's spectakular...(and i'm smitten!) we'll see...

is it weird

that i this strange sad feeling in my tummy when i see people i used to know that are all grown up with husbands and kids and i'm still trying to figure out what to be when i grow up and in that stage of a relationship where it feels that i swallowed an entire jar of butterflies and i have absolutely no idea what will happen but know that i am hoping for the very best

i have been waiting

for you, and you walked in the room
right as i was thinking about leaving
i thought, why go so soon
when you appeared like i'm dreaming

387 days later

i think i am past you. there will always be a small hole in my heart. i have morned your loss for a while. i just finally feel that i can finally move on, as you have. i will remember you in fondness, and always hold a place to love you like the best of friends. but i am over you. you left me here. i am not replacing your memory with someone new, but i myself am someone else this time around. it's august 27th, 2010, and for the first time in years i'm myself again

Karma

My boss and i just had a discussion about karma. He first asked if i had dreams, i said yes, and then i asked if he meant aspirations for my life or when i am sleeping. he then asked me of my aspirations. I told him i wished to find a career where i could help people in someway. this led to a discussion about karma and paying it forward.

He then asked why bad things happen to good people...for example, the death of a child. i have been sitting at my desk thinking about a proper response. i don't think tragedy is an example of karma. i think it is a result of being only human. part of existence is feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. loss is an emotion which links us all together regardless of the degree. it is an innate trait we all participate in. our abilities to cope and respond and even relate to one and other are reasons why we experience tragedy.

ah swooooooooooooon

what the most fantastic weekend ever. trying not to gush

madly happy. deliriously giddy. resisitng urge to create sappy playlist and hug complete strangers.
bah!

well hell

two jobs...starting to catch up to me...

So... tbiltm contacts me. ok. great. what a stupid mind fuck. I don't think anything will ever come of this which is, tragic. but at least i know i wasn't making everything up in my head. how do you move on from that tho.

i let go the one i was seeing because i would never feel for him the way i felt for tbiltm. and he was terrible for my self-esteem and wouldn't shut up about his "hot black girl friend" he once had... so fuck that. what about the hot young girl friend he could have had if he had only opened his eyes to see what was there before it walked away?

so all you idiots who i try to give my heart to. stop being dbags. i have an infinte capacity to be the best lover, friend ever. don't fucking call me if you just need to get something off your consciense. fuck you. don't fucking claim me, but not want to acknowledge me until someone else seems interested. don't fucking tell me you only like people with "real jobs." don't blame your fucking insecurities on me. don't fucking pretend you want a relationship then fucking send me home at midnight. all you...

today, is an ordinary day...

and, here we are, again
we pretend
to remain friends
my eyes were opened wide, to the things i was missing
i could not control, the paths were drifting

so go on, and move along
i'll keep on looking through
so go on, and move along
i wish that it was you

but, i was wrong, again
i thought, but then
was only paper and pen
i though if i declared,listing all the qualities,
in someone to have, there are no guarantees...

it does not matter how slowly you go

so i woke up at 7:54...my flight was for 7 am. fml. i though fast. i called american airlines, in a panic. don't make me stay in this city for the weekend. ok dear, the woman said. do you mind going to north carolina? no. ok, for 50 we can change your flight, but you should get to the airport right now. i'm out the door...

so i am waiting to get through security. there is the cutest boy i have ever seen in an airport. bonus. i get a coffee, i buy a book. 100 years of solitude. i board. ok, this is working. land in n. carolina. have 15 min to board plane. nice, minimal layover. board plane. mechanical difficulty. exit plane. follow the chatty australian to the bar. end up having the most enjoyable afternoon in a while, also, not paying for any of my drinks. reboard the plane after changing seats to sit next to the australian, who flirts with the flight attendants who give us free snacks and beers. 2 beers on a one hour flight.

part ways with my australian. greet my best friend. catch the end of a sunset in a hill. go to a rooftop with an amazing view of manhattan. eat an amazing tortilla soup. drink sweet wine with my bff.

most solid day ever.
i love my life

my starbucks vice

If i am going to be working 60 hours a week i can totally justify drinking a 5 dollar coffee every morning... the only problem is that then i go and wait until 2 so i can get a 2 dollar version of the 5 dollar one i drink every morning.

it's the office diet... coffee, a little desk candy...more coffee, diet pepsi. sometimes some water. i'm not going to the gym so much, but i know have a hefty bike ride twice a day and when i work doubles there is always barreling down adams like a banshee between my day job and the night gig...

so, i have to kill twenty-two more minutes until i can go redeem my coupon for a 2 dollar drink. and if that is not enough, dunkin donuts has 1 dollar iced coffees at three...

i am a modernist and you are an idiot

i am leaving you exactly where you stand
you'll never move anywhere, anywhere
i've been ending it for weeks
and i don't even care

your summer vacation is ending
we never rode a ferris wheel, ferris wheel
the things that were important
i swore, for real

you don't even like me, til i'm
already gone
you didn't even care until
i had moved on
and you can't have
what you wont hold
how do you like that,
do what your told

just leave me alone, i'm done
you've chose the wrong words, wrong words
i am over it, over it
i like nouns and verbs
and you like math.

what do you want me to say?

that is a reference to the dismemberment plan... and my life

sooooo, i don't know what i'm doing regarding one certain aspect of my life...wtf am i supposed to do. i have no idea what i said last night. i have no idea what point we reached. all i know is there you were and i tried to end it all. fuck. how come you don't want me til i try to walk away.

as i have been saying, if you don't wise up, all you'll have is parking lots

well hell

I'M PLAYING OFFICE and i kinda like it. it is amazing what wonders working during
"normal people" hours is doing for my psyche...i hate to admit it but i really needed this. no, this is not my dream job, but it sure as hell is beating waiting on the vegans. granted, i am still waiting on the vegans by night, but no longer is all my income dependent on my ability to sell 42 dollar bottles of wine and faux meat.

And i'm drinking less! feeling less depressed... recently got news which tho mind-warped me, instilled a small grain of hope in my heart to know i wasn't completely making things up in my mind. nothing is ever easy, but what is new. for a life that's been difficult, i am happily enjoying jupitor in my astrological sign this year. there are many things i still want, but i am a jillion times better than the boat i was in last year.
so rah!

ah august.

its a death cab for cutie sunday
well already after midnight, its monday
think about all the plans,
we never got though going

i wish we could move back through time
clean strokes of backstroke, lane line
feeling hope and yet defeat
my emotions not showing

the hole you thought filled is now opened,
hearing the words which you were hopein,
all is not lost, yet still is not found
you miss me but you are not around
...

you can't always get what you want

but if you wait long enough what you get needs you.

i think i'm taking a break, the swing of things
been too much to accomplish or attempt anything.
i want to save money and take trips,
i want to recover, and make lists
i think i will become recluse, and yet
this is the month i've looked most forward too
i still do
August i'm ready for you

wierdest day of my life

.

omgd

really? how subtle do i need to be?

it should be me...

holy canniloni. i'm not sure what to say. haven't been feeling for a while, so that sucks. been talking to the one i miss the most but that won't bring them back. and the second one i miss the most but they are east coast held.
i only want to be the girl to end all girls. not too much to ask, is it?

on self time..

maybe i like it, spending time alone. maybe i like this.
maybe i hate it. the only person judging me isn't really someone but
merely a gato... an orange one.
maybe i'm lazy. and maybe i'm crazy.
maybe i want too much but don't do enough.
wtf
.

restless again

my feline can sense it, he won't leave me alone
he shares paranoia, with the other
she wants me to come on home

i want to jump off county line bridge,
a symbolic summer, anthems for a 17 year old girl
it was so much easier being kids

we felt infinite and we felt alive

nobody gets me like you

it's a pretty lyric... i seem to be on a spoon bender.



it's cooler today, some chance of rain
spots on the sidewalk
i'm thinking again

i look different, he acts the same
my eyes want to talk
i just don't pretend

so let's articulate
our thoughts in the dark
a box of wine
alone in the park
and talk about
when we first felt, lightning bugs...

you don't even know that i can't stop thinking of you

spring fling

try it on for size
you say you like things your way
i'm feeling extra medium.

lets go to grad school

for real this time. I love art and i will always be an artist at heart but i know i need to make a difference in the world and art is just not the method to do so. i am a hundred times smarter than i know i seem, wasting my college degree waiting tables in a FRICKEN vegan restaurant.

depaul has a program, one i should get accepted into... totally hopeful, which is nice as i have been feeling down lately.

irrational me

all i wanna do is go to the fricken movies. instead i sit around and drink wine and over-analyze and get all worked up over nothing only to pull something stupid on one of the people i care about and now i got to sit around feeling guilty. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i have no idea why i have been feeling so irrational for the past week or so. it seriously is hurting me internally.

all dressed up with no where to go

you criticize my outfits but when i put on something nice you blow me off... you'll probably make me third wheel next time we hang out anyway. just saying.

the universe has thrown me a bone

And it came via the United States Postal Service!!!!

so after thinking long and hard about what the heck to be when i grow up i reflected back on previous things i had enjoved and came to the conclusion that the best job i have held was when i worked for PBS...so after doing much research have found a few programs where i can apply to and get a masters in communication! wahoo! and then, today in the mailbox was a bunch of information from depaul and i can get a masters in organizational and multicultural communications!

bah

i am just not a mind reader. i am sitting over there thinking too much about what to say and when you tell me to do something i try but then i didn't do it the way you wanted me to so i dunno. i need a sign. should i quit or walk away or do you want me here or are you just waiting for something better to come along. fawk. also give me more credit... i see more than i say.

banking and accounting

i'd offer you a penny for your thoughts but you have a bakers dozen and i only have a dime
and i can't read your mind
i'm trying,

settle debts

i try i do but i have been in denial of a few things. hopefully tonight is better than the last

lake michigan shipwreck

it went down
it was magnificent, supposed to be
the windy city, her small sea
now there are oceans between us
the tides were rough

lookin for a new job

the one i have is fine. heck, the money is decent. it isn't fun anymore. its vegan, it isn't fine dining. yes, it is amazing quality vegan, but you can't go fine dining when you are cutting costs by not having enough hands on deck. if you want to be a full service restaurant you need a food runner everyday. adequate bussers. i'm just saying.

i wish i knew what to be when i grew up but i have never known. i guess that means i can never grow up.

things i realized while running

1. running with out music can be done but it is both painful and difficult. though, without jams blasting, i can now hear all the comments of people i pass by, like the men outside the liquor store...
2. even if they see you coming for a block, people are COMPLETELY unaware of their surroundings.
3. it is a given that fat people will waddle in groups of three and entirely take up the entire sidewalk...if not the obese, then someone with a double wide stroller will obviously intrude, especially when they go to scoop the poop from their waytolarge for city dog.
4. drinking fountains are crucial for hot and/or hungover run days. run accordingly.
5. people start to like seeing you day after day.

the perks of living alone

walking around naked for no reason

leaving the door to the bathroom open so you can hear the music while you shower

not dealing with someone else's pets

control of decorations

not having to hoard/risk eating someone else's food

listening to whatever music i want to

not having to share the tv

freedom to have house guests ;)

getting irked

not inked.

i really dislike somethings. i do. i am a pretty straightforward individual. i value my friendships and my time. i hate when people make plans with you then don't answer their phones, when 1. i know you are the type to continually check your phone every 3 minutes to make sure you aren't missing anything cool, and 2. you actually post photos to your facebook from your mobile uploads album from the event you were supposed to be meeting me at... hell, i hate when you don't respond cause i know you keep your phone at no longer than an arms length.

also, really. i don't get that many nights off and i hate my job for taking away like, 2 of my shifts. wtf.

also, wtf. all i'm sayin.

so much for the afterglow....

tried to make friends meet up with me but obviously, they are all too cool :( and she and him would have been just fine, just fine. i didn't mind the crowd. i didn't mind sitting alone. i was even ok with getting blown off. but really, did a 350 lb man need to stand 2 feet infront of me and dance? ass to the face!!!! ok, maybe i'm salty i got blown off.

whateves. today was marginally successful...8 mile jog. gym. laundry. bank. grocery shopping. although fricken domincks sold me moldy cheese which would be fine if it was supposed to be bleu cheese but it was fricken low-fat part skim mozzorella. wtf. so much for that.

proactively beating the june gloom

goals for joooooon:

1. not eat bar food! (unless it's a straight up salad)

2. bike to work

3. save money (money...no mas cab rides, 5 dolla starbucks...)

4. ride a ferris wheel

5. jog as much as possible

6. gym everyother day

7. draw something everyday

8. find a second job

9. have more fun

10. enjoy the good weather

she once was lost, well, sold

and now i have my schwinnster back hooray!

i seem to have lost a friend

and it sucks. i am sorry, i never felt those feelings towards him. i wish he could find the person he thinks i am in his idealized mind. but grow up and stop being so infantile. if he really cared for me he would be happy if i am happy. i don't know how to communicate to someone that doesn't listen. and i am happy.

2010 things i want in a man

so this year for new years i made this resolution: take better care of my skin and teeth. this includes flossing, using two types of mouthwash, as well as using a good cream cleanser and a pore refining moisturizer.

i also made a list of the 10 qualities i would like to find in a man. yes, some may be shallow (as we mentioned, kendall) but some are redeeming... they were, in this order:

1. a non smoker

2. athletic/plays some type of sport/runs/just does something

3. musical and or artistic

4. has a job they love

5. has a car

6. dark hair

7. 28 or older

8. volunteers w/ kids

9. weighs more than me

10. * puts out fantastically

now thats not too much to ask, is it?

nothing is ever easy

i think that's a lucky boys confusion lyric...kickback

well, nothing ever is easy i guess the working makes it worth it, right? long weekend at work. long nights out. ;)

day off tomorrow, i'm gonna run all over this town.

redikulous and realistic,

goals for the rest of the year:

have 3 art shows

buy a medium format printer

buy a car

find a man

save a bunch of money

quit drinking

do significant research for grad school

buy a few urls

make some websites

decorate my house

run a few 10ks

do something nice for my parents

spend a day with my grandma

nyc is neat!

empire state of mind

i am finally here with my best friend in the universe. i am so completely happy to leave my dear windy city for a long weekend.

it feels right to be around the people i love the most. i am so excited to share my plans for the future with the people who know my past.

also, kiki smith is at the brooklyn museum and i am STOKED to see some work in person of a woman who i feel i would understand if i met in person...

yay

seroiusly

i rolled up two days in a row dropping like, 30 each one at starbucks and i worked doubles too and i got a good yelp review and you thank everyone else by name but me.

love my job.

i met you as i was a train in wreck

and i didn't realize it until i ran into you again...literally after running. so yes, it was awkward but i think this time around you could get to know a better me. things have their way of working, we just need to wait patiently (which i fail at, usually)

impulsively i actually saw you twice today...once when i was walking and once again...

we'll see.

i'm just tired of the way things are. i want to share my city with someone.

i wake up so early

and don't get me wrong. i love the mornings. take your time with things. i am used to waiting.

work was slow and i'm scared but not worried. resilient and resourceful, i figure things out. i don't want to do this all alone, but i'm good for now... i'd rather try and lose then have not given it a go.

First complete accidental saturday off in quite some time. i honestly am worn out from this whole, working and moving and constantly doin stuff...sorry al, didn't mean to bail on the scavenger hunt thing. just, wow. it feels nice to sit.

the apartment is coming together! got the art space set up. totally stoked. drew out another part of my tattoo...it's gonna be sick...

did i mention it is good to sit down. willikers. long, long expensive expensive week. what am i gonna do? work early tomorrow too. well, it is very good to have a job, as that is not always the boat i get to ride on. right?

cannot wait for new york. cannot wait! frank and alex are gonna rock my socks for graduation weekend...hopefully we get to eat some fancy food...

you get what you need

its spring. smells like summer is coming. maybe this year we'll get one in full effect. hope so. have moved into a new apartment! nothing says new, like i new place to dream. adjusting to only my things and my space, and the noises the building makes.

got to see a rock show. i called a friend to see if he could get me in, then my old roommate actually texted in the 3 minutes after i walked out the tattoo shop offering me free tickets to the very show i was trying to see! sometime the universe does throw us bones, we just have to be trained to catch. all in all, a really great day. got to spend a moment with my pops, a good friend, updated my music catalogue, got ink, saw show. interneted. and i was able to take a few photos with my super sweet camera! which i then realized, came with cords that will double to connect my computer to my tv so i can watch moovies on the very large tv that i inherited with the apartment! life is simple and excellent.

i can't just sit around...excerpt

we could give up, or we could give in
i won't stop, i'll keep movin
what you think hurts, you move though it
these winters give us thick skin

i'd fly to your side in a week
until then i sleep to dream
we can meet in between,
you be orange and i'll be green
you can tell me anything
you can tell me anything

how can a man just sit around?
i run all over this town
i ask questions though lightning eyes
sticks on gates make hollow sound

spring trees make floral canopies
rather make lovers than enemies
not wandering around to be lost
april has been good to me

i'd fly to your side in a week,
we can meet instead in dreams
i will tell you everything,
i will tell you anything...

what if you don't fit

so i'm moving which is fantastic and i cannot wait, and my new home will provide me with all the space to create all the things that are flowing in my mind. but what if you are just too big and you take that as a sign and dismiss me and i can never show you all the things i wanna show you anyways...
i don't even know how you feel but i really wanna share these SWEET THINGS cause i think you'd like them, and they would make these idiosyncrasies make a little sense...
yours
nikki

multimedia extrordinairrrrre

SO! BOUGHT A DIGI CAM. an expensive one. well, one more expensive than i wanted to spend it is good i am makin 200 dollas a night at the vegan gig.
so yes, bought a camera and now i am all excited cause i am researching PRINTERS which means that soon i can make some sweet ass multimedia works! whooti woo. and, and today i went with ava to "the art store" and bought some markers and i spun this wheel and they gave me a free sketch book and in less than one week i will be living in my art space so i will have no excuse for not making pretty pictures and i couldn't be happier. nor could bonjovi who loves to hang with me while i artmake. and, and now i can record, in full panorama the glory i see on my everyday adventures. what!!!!???? life is good.

holy canniloni my leg is hurting tho. i think i need new running shoes. i did the math and that means i have probably ran between 4 and 5 hundred miles on my shoes which is why i may be getting shin splints. fawk. i ran over 1000 miles on the last pair. I did get new work shoes and they are cute and karen approved and even saw the feet tattoos and complimented my KMART JEANS hahaha....

and i'm kinda optimistic again...maybe this time i can be myself.
loooooong day but tomorrow is off and i intend on painting all my spare furniture "porch grey" it really is a color! and packing all my clothes into garbage bags cause that's how we move nikki style.

one week

and i get my KEYS! whootie woot.

also we're goin on day four of no drinkin and i feel fantastic. i'm gonna run real fast and take care of some business....you don't know that but everyone at work is talking in these voices and i thought that while i typed that last bit. i guess this would be a whole lot funnier if it was audible.

I ate a bunch of chicken with siam last night. I got the wish bone, and like a fool i may have wasted my wish but, we'll see. in the end i know why i hoped for what i did.

thank gawd for a day off...this was actually a pretty profitable weekend but i am excited to lay low today, and maybe get some ink.

urban running

bah! i am really good at putting my foot in my mouth...

last night i went to meet some friends for a drink but i didn't realize that they weren't showing up. this table of dudes invites me to sit while i wait and i end up having the most fabulous evening with accidental friends. that is why i love chicago. this eclectic group of people who in any other city would not be such good amigos...love it!

i feel restless again. i'm not myself these days. everything just moves around me and i watch what goes on... i can't tell the difference between protecting myself and ruining things that have potential to be amazing and different than anything i am used to. i want to say i've changed but i just keep reacting the same way.

sentimental and nostolgic, cheesy ass crap i should stop writing because no one really reads this...i need the universe to throw me another bone... i think she is mad cause i stopped writing letters to her.

and you, if you're reading this, i'm sorry for my silly little cell phone and i think i'd want to try again...i'll leave it at home.

i need a camera cause i'm seeing the most amazing things everyday and this whole blog thing would be a whole lot better with some images.

holy canniloni

i knew you had moved on but now that you are moving i am filled with sadness. if only i was where i am a year ago.

cheers my friend. i love you and wish you well. until we meet again.

what should i really be doing?

cause it isn't about money. why do i think with the wrong side of my brain? i was chasing down some tax forms downtown today around 3pm and all the people walking around with folders and papers and going places and looking sad and i wanted to drop a billion feathers out of the window of a tall building or something to make these people forget about paying their mortgages or just looking up because the sky was blue and i wanted to draw it.
and i don't want to feel sad when it is finally getting nice out. i just want someone to buy me a billboard. i really wanted one in november when the city got gray for the winter, so there could be a dash of color in the sky against the drab downtown.

he's leaving for real in just a few days and i know i'll never get to say goodbye cause i didn't get to say it the last time.

you really insulted me and you underestimate me. i'm just figuring things out and i had more class then to just leave you there even though every bone in my body told me to run cause in fight or flight i usually flee.

and you, please make up your mind cause your indecisions make my heart hurt. i have feelings too.

oh, just putting it out into the universe, and (as always) when that doesn't work, the internet

haha. ha. hahahha.

oh the boys with the phallic names as if that wasn't any indication.

and by the way, i might not have a real job, but i make money. and i love what i do. i love the freedom that once i do figure out what my "real" job is supposed to be i can simply walk away. so there. i love my lifestyle, i love working the opposite hours of the day. i love interacting with people. i love being outside during the daylight.

as for texting, well isn't the pot (and i do mean pot) calling the kettle black.

ah yes. thank you innertown for treating me like a local celebrity...was fun last night

its always almost too good to be true!

WHOLLY SHIET i found an apartment. for me! and ME ONLY of course, with the gatos...our own little home. with free laundry. now if only i had credit...gonna try and write a check for last months rent NOW. it is so perfect and tiny. and hopefully mine. gah.

bah

work was good tho... mo money, mo problems...and i had a good time last night ;)
ah, cheers. chicago. summer is upon us.

you are a big fat jerk

me and all these boys with phallic names or near phallic ones...ha. should start naming them cucumbers...

YOU ARE A BIG FAT JERK and you will never read this but i think you are a fuckin asshole and i can't believe you have done it again.

there, put it into the universe. and when that doesn't work, the internet.
cheers

nikki

hohum

what the fawk. not really. everything pretty much feels the same as it always was...ha.

oh yes, thank gawd. all i'm saying. catastrophe averted. phew.

who needs a wheatgrass shot?
this girl.

holy wheatgrass shot

well, here we are. i finally got myself a computer that almost. works. at least it connects to the internet. and once i find someone more savvy with macs, hopefully the cd drive will work too...
this is what i want to say to YOU! You know who you are. you can't just call me and tell me to come over. you are the one that told me we don't have that much in common. i heard you. and now i keep my distance. you didn't even make it to my birthday. or my art show.

happy fricken birthday to meeee

hawt damn, i'm 25. i don't feel any different. lets recap 24.
no job, ambulance ride, no job, sobriety, grad school rejection, beer mug of box wine, employment, nine months of babysitting drunks, additional er visit, meeting the best boy ever only to have him get engaged less than 5 months we stop hanging. ruining the thing after with the best boy (a better boy) cause emotions suck. unemployment, freak out, running, lots of running, falling, falling down, er again. feeling the infinite potential of the universe. getting that talk(again). pretending to be ok with it. crying to Interpol. lights out.

bah. fml.

it's not you its we

and that's what they always say. i guess it's my fault.

bah.

wouldn't you know...

oh if only i would have had my life more in control last september...i suppose one has to figure these things out in some way to move forward.
it's being ok with how things are and still striving for more. it's not letting these silly vegans get me down and keeping my mind and heart open...

how do you tell someone what you need to tell them when it's exactly the opposite of what you told them before?

i miss CHEEsE... Meat and CHEESE

Meat and Cheese... the next great post/punk neodisco duo since mgmt...featuring me and John Brown on synth and beats, singing about What would karyn do? gosh i hope we get busy soon.


so someone convinced me that i should go raw for a week. which actually isn't that hard since i work in a vegan restaurant. except it drives me to drink. which is why i went on the whole detox thing because who can afford to go out partyn' on our pay. right? bah. i still need a job. arugulah.

holy wheat gluten. i need a second job to pay for the alcoholism that karyn's is causing. Actually, everyone is pretty cool. if only we didn't all work at the same time and actually made some money

and dancing at the gay bar is FUN

wait...i actually found a job?

Ok, its not my dream job and the whole idea of vegan food isn't well, reliable. but what am i gonna do. its a new place and it could do well. somehow it does make me miss the walnut room, where i may have been the most fit person. did i mention i work with models? FRICKEN models. and there is no way i'm going to be able to get away with automatic gratuity or sub par service for sub par food. Not that i hung out with all the old ladies at the walnut room, but i do miss all my buddies...and the sexy french manager...teehee

But the vegan thing. hmm, we haven't actually opened yet and i can pretend to pair white wines with "fish inspired" entrees, mamma be proud. or the boy i like the most who got engaged right before the new year and not to me we were still talking bout dating in july. :( hope he's happy

and the walnut room did give me money for the tattoo! woo hoo so even though i move every 4 to six months, i have a home on my arm. yay.

and being single is alright cause i'm employed! EMPLOYED! off of craigslist none the less. we'll see how it opens