i'm torn

i should be the one to walk away

you have to pretend, that i'm someone else?
i was always just pretending you thought i was the most beautiful woman in the world.

you're my best friend
but you've really crushed me

trying so hard to step back

and then you go ahead and tell me i'm not worth it.
ruin a pretty good weekend

i am sure there are things you'd rather do
but did you really have to say it out loud
did it make you feel more of a man

now i have to sit here all day
and worry i'm wasting my time
worry
i hate fucking worrying
i shouldn't be fucking worrying.

walking around my city

eyes open
headphones on
its cold, but not too cold
some folks move deliberately
some folks move slow
trying not to be angry
or sad
or lonely
just being
here
now

not taking things personally

god i love

your hands
eye contact
learning

i want you
all of it
yearning

whoa

standing on two feet

having hopes
having dreams
fighting for something

keeping friends
keeping time
making drawings
living a full life

you don't have to take care of me

i just want a partner

to listen to me
and not judge

i feel things
some, illogical
some based on the past
some rooted in hope for the future

every tear isn't a symptom of co-dependency
its just my mind sweating,
from wrestling with my heart

it makes me blue

i just want to be near you

and you think you see me too much

why am i doing this

you should know...

i have never
ever
stuck by anyone
i didn't think i could spend forever with.

I am not sure if you are
or sure if you're not

but if you are willing to stick it out
i am too.

can't sleep

done a lot of stupid things
put myself in harms way
tempted fate
tested myself
failed
succeeded

he asks if i'm running from my past
i am
if i go fast enough
it won't catch up
but ghosts,
those ghouls they haunt my dreams
or lack there of

what was the moment i went left instead of right?
what karmic bounds did i push
what did i do to you?
i only wanted to hurt myself, but that was then

and now?
now, i lie here and stare
and wonder

have i run fast enough
or is the sky going to come crashing down

i just want to grow. again.

that was hot

unexpected
and wonderful
reminds me why i wait sometimes
thats the hardest part

waiting
waiting

yours

from in the air

i saw some clouds
there were mountains too
i saw them with you

i wish you would just move in with me
and i wouldn't have to live with a stranger
would i really get in the way
of surfing the internet until 4 am
or do you like living with hippies
that don't flush the toilet.

thats fucking gross.

i'm never as tired...

i hate waking up without you
its like i failed something else

traveling the universe while i sleep,
no matter how far i go
its ok, when you are next to me

but when i wake up alone
there in my home
i just want you next to me

and i don't want to start my never-ending day
this way

two steps back again

if i get though this

and decide to pursue a phd,
would you want
to go with me?
back, to university

i think i'd like a doctorate
i'm not what you'd expect
wouldn't it be great!

beauty AND brains before i just get old

ROY G BIV

ROY G BIV isn't relevant all of the time
sometimes the best view is running away from the skyline
moments are still mine
to figure out, and slowly define
these things known all along

seasons round here don't usually fade
they just sneak in and then they break
this year, its more a gradual cascade
I have more things to take
things to bring along



i just need to get laid

irationality

apologizing for sins i didn't commit

lets get outta town

and go to utah
mormons
what else, is in utah?
old friends
and no ocean
but by a salt lake
it will feel good to fly
west for the weekend
and see my
good friend
and get out of the city
before winter shuts us in

is it so dumb to look for

your undying love for me on the internet...

yea, probably.



still, wish i had some indication...

life isn't perfect

but i am in love
and i have been for a year
and it is hard as hell
to remember who i've been
and who i still am
and that i'm still
the same person
despite all these changes
and stupid things that have happened
and all the wonderful things too

i've tried,
i've wondered
flourished and
blundered

the skyline was at my back
and the road stretched yellow and gold
and this day was grand
my lover, he passed me
and he saw through. but that's ok
he was scanning for hazards in the bike lane

jumping off the roof

whats the point
people just keep hurting each other
and then we hurt ourselves
we buy into this crap
and put it in our homes
i don't see the point
of sitting
forty more years inside
for what

well

no one has the power
to take good things away

my mind does what it can
to protect me

i might not be the first one

you let call you after a bear
and that kinda hurts i think
and i don't know how to tell you
without being a crazy person

segway cops

can't direct me better to you,
the police on the corner give tourists directions
from the screens of their smartphones
people in the suburbs have razors and
lg enVs, or similar clones

emo poem

i am gonna paint
little fruits, telling jokes
things i think when i can't sleep

i am going to miss you
all of my days

so ususally i post really shitty poetry...

but here is a rant of sorts

AAAK. hate the job. what you gonna do. i am tired of not getting enough credit. do you know what i've been though? we all fight uphill battles. i dunno. parts of me are sad, to spend my days indoors not really doing anything for an hourly wage. and not really knowing what i could be doing. i am tired of feeling unappreciated by almost everyone in my life. i am tired of people who looked down on me, for bartending or waitressing while they worked their "real jobs." i tell you, i made more money.

i am tired. i can't sleep. no matter how exhausted my body is, my mind keeps going at a million miles an hour. i try and pass the time proactively. i hate my job, i have enrolled for an advanced degree. i feel lazy, i go running and try to paint. i apply to new jobs. i feel like i am doing everything i can, or entirely not enough. i just don't know what to do. it seems really hard to get my head above water, and this is the same battle i have been fighting for years.

sometimes when i voice my concerns, i feel belittled. i have needs. i have wants. sometimes i just want to die.

well,

a friend i can't really hang out with sends me cute pics of koalas

my boyfriend goes home to play with his projectors

c'est la vie






you could have texted back i know you were awake

when i try to sleep

and i wish to dream,
instead i stare
up at the ceiling
and say in reverse
the alphabet, i think
consciousness, a curse

would have been nice
to toast to things
we've done in life
today i progressed,
but i ate alone.
and sit here, sleepless

kinda wanted to share this with you.

some people thing i'm complaining

what do i need to do to get to the next step
i don't wait will
i linger here

DAYJOB KILLS MY SOUL
HOW CAN PEOPLE SPEND THEIR LIVES
TRAPPED IN CUBICLES

I WANT TO GO OUT
AND PLAY IN THE SUNSHINE NOW
IT IS COLD IN HERE

I REALLY HATE WORK
WHAT A WASTE OF A GOOD LIFE
HURRY UP AND DIE

soo, maybe i like it hot, too

ug. so confused.
i know what i want, and it's you.
but if you see me too much, you think
its an entire carton of ice cream
shoved in your face

so then i feel dumb.
cause i want some.
then i feel dumb
cause i want some.

i like, frozen treats,
i run in anticipation
of things i could eat...

meh/

i gave up some of my friends for you

and maybe it was for the best
some of them
had selfish intentions

but when you cannot see
or understand the loneliness
remember, i gave up friends

i make myself very happy much of the time
don't you doubt that
two steps forward, one back

summer solstice

warm enough
warm me up

you think i radiate
i do

elemental

yup

we're all looking at a different picture

through this new frame of mind...


it only rains enough
to make things humid and dense
the air slightly suffocates,
potholes forming tiny lakes

i don't want to sleep alone
so i stare at the ceiling
only read it once a day
oh, the things i could say

holy crap

this day job is killing me
killing me
burning holes into my brain though
this over-sized monitor.

seriously, want to go outside.

my corner of the internet

you want erotic?

remember that time you fucked me in the kitchen
and you didn't ask
because you didn't have to

trying very hard

not to lose my cool
but its hot out
artificial light is depleting my energy

i'm not a jealous person

just disappointed
i wrote some really salty lines of prose

and then kept editing
and editing

i know maybe you're just trying to find some readers
but it still makes me feel like vomiting.

because i love you
and i write poem after poem

and you write songs
about girls with skinny waists

and i want to be your muse
but sometimes i guess i don't move you

you listed in your own words, a harem,

but for you,
i'd run to the moon

i want to drop out of grad school

i am smarter than this, really.

seriously, wtf.
my million dolla idea
doesn't need this tuition

fuck

i wish i wanted to be a soccer mom,
mini van, and a gaggle of brats
and a man who wanted to support all of that

but instead, i'm "creative" and fucked

and tomorrow i have to go play office...

and i don't even get any tonight
ces't la vie
woe is me

guess i'll go eat worms

but i'm happy. just impatient.
i want to be in love
and do things i love
instead of treading water

make sure its waterproof

thats what she said
no really

i have needs
you think i'm hard to read?

its basic. really.

sit and drink beers and have sex on the sofa

eat meat for dinner.

we dream in color

you wouldn't wish on stars,
you know their scientific combination of molecules

but i see how my brain filters light
rods and cones,
26 years of reflections

you can travel with velocity
time and space don't care who you are

a bunny hop
two steps forward one step
back

and i wish on digital clocks

if the rapture takes me

i wouldn't believe it.
i only believe in sandwiches
and thunderstorms

i must be dreaming
as much as i wallow
i quite like it here

jesus seemed like a nice guy
but not those silly people who follow
i would have drank the wine though

see, you are silly

i am just a fool


i just want you to want me as much as i want you.


i am just a fool


I only want proof that you want me too.




so call me silly.

you think i'm funny

but i am still the one after her
i found your ramblings
i try to shut them out but something along the lines,

lets fuck and get breakfast burritos

makes me want to vomit.

its the being idle

and the waiting.
tom petty knew what he was singing about
and i am an american girl

go figure

some are more like the journey songs
and you.

you are like the moon

it's ok

my life won't fall apart
the gates slam too hard, but
you would never understand my optimism
it wouldn't make the world collapse,
i do love, perhaps, or
should i speak in more symbolism?

but really.
fuck it
you only live once

gotta stop...

binge-eating on butterflies
not hungry, for real food
had a hundred different tries
to attempt something new
standing in the living room
thinking of the economy
live alone again
hang with paper clips
prints we made last winter

darling

ride me on your handlebars
take me on the ferris wheel
drink coffee with me in the windowsill
i'm yours
i am

like tegan and sara

i can't get you out of my head...

i thought i had found the one that got away

and then i found you
and i worry
usually i've taken flight by now
i never stay and fight
and there is a past
i have mine
you have yours

but i found you.

my anxieties are mine
this is new
too sentimental
i know, i know
its hard
but its worth it
and i'd wait for you
change for me, grow for you

you don't go for waitresses,
well i'm in grad school now

I hope i'm the only moon in your orbit

i do love you

but why do i feel like i am trying too hard
every week i promise, i won't do things
and then i do
every day, i say i'll wait
then i make the first move

you say you're not sentimental

but i see the things you keep
i watch you as you sleep
i have never not been someones muse
but i don't think i move you

its a postal service song or something

write you letters,
letters every day
love notes, haikus and sonnets
have enough to say
spent much time, waiting for you
wishing and hoping too
so long, dreaming you up
i want to be the girl to end all girls
want you to see me
i don't think you'd miss me if i left
i don't think you notice,
i'm sitting here and your sitting there
i've changed my size and changed my hair
he said you've won the lottery with me
i know you don't even think of me that way

melancholic

try too hard
for everyone else
when you looked back
forgot yourself

never wanted anything
but to give you
everything

whoa, nikki

breath it in, take it in
you only live once
you only live again
as someone else or a cat
and i only can be
what i do to me
and i accept responsibility...

nothing is ever easy, is it

my mind moves to fast.
think to much
want to much
fuuuuuuuuuuck.

baby, take me to the microcenter...

yes, bend me over some electronics,
by the speakers and Technics

I just want to be in love

but i am forever stuck in like
and i want to share my dreams with you
and i want to spend my nights with you

if i take happiness into my own hands
if i stay
if i go
i just wish i knew...

i have never been as afraid of something
as i am now

third floor living

i wanna live
in a third floor apartment with you
our flat, chicago style
penthouse with a little view
we'll have to carry our bikes up stairs
but it's ok, we wont care
in a third floor apartment with you



we'll have small parties,
and make a little noise
the downstairs neighbors will join us
we'll toast to the good times

i've learned to live with your ghost

and now, i am happy being with the living
i have taken all your memories
retained a few, let most go

that ship has sank.
i'd rather fly the skies,
a lawnchair tied with balloons
outdoor furniture for two

so put that in your pipe
and smoke it.

knock on wood

one day, it all got a little
more managable
maybe i got wiser. maybe not.
i became less afraid you
were going to bolt at the drop
of your hat
and maybe more worried that i would sprint.
don't worry, i do long distance jogging

i am pretty happy. i am
i hope you are as well

something to rely on

tell me when, you are gonna let me in...

right? how your words echo my thoughts
more eloquently, naturally
what am i doing
where is this going
are you going to be able to stick it though
all i want, baby is you

i'm trying to be a better catch-
i suppose i'm still a pisces,
yeah, deal with that.

two days, only one contact
i think i miss you

i don't and i do

know what it is, i mean
i suppose you can't help it.
everyone has at least one sting attached
yeah, i am sure i over think it
yeah, i know you are only supposed to look forward
its hard some days
its hard some days
and then you run on into it,
head first
and you smile politely, because,
that is what people do.
pretend they don't loathe to the core,
pretend that you don't think too hard
pretend that there isn't time to care
but still.
i fucking hate her. and you know
she probably hates me too

baby, its COLD outside

come on baby, warm me up
lets get out of the cold
come on baby, charm me up
its you my mittens hold

making out
making out
making out

yeah!