is it weird

that i this strange sad feeling in my tummy when i see people i used to know that are all grown up with husbands and kids and i'm still trying to figure out what to be when i grow up and in that stage of a relationship where it feels that i swallowed an entire jar of butterflies and i have absolutely no idea what will happen but know that i am hoping for the very best

i have been waiting

for you, and you walked in the room
right as i was thinking about leaving
i thought, why go so soon
when you appeared like i'm dreaming

387 days later

i think i am past you. there will always be a small hole in my heart. i have morned your loss for a while. i just finally feel that i can finally move on, as you have. i will remember you in fondness, and always hold a place to love you like the best of friends. but i am over you. you left me here. i am not replacing your memory with someone new, but i myself am someone else this time around. it's august 27th, 2010, and for the first time in years i'm myself again

Karma

My boss and i just had a discussion about karma. He first asked if i had dreams, i said yes, and then i asked if he meant aspirations for my life or when i am sleeping. he then asked me of my aspirations. I told him i wished to find a career where i could help people in someway. this led to a discussion about karma and paying it forward.

He then asked why bad things happen to good people...for example, the death of a child. i have been sitting at my desk thinking about a proper response. i don't think tragedy is an example of karma. i think it is a result of being only human. part of existence is feeling the highest highs and lowest lows. loss is an emotion which links us all together regardless of the degree. it is an innate trait we all participate in. our abilities to cope and respond and even relate to one and other are reasons why we experience tragedy.

ah swooooooooooooon

what the most fantastic weekend ever. trying not to gush

madly happy. deliriously giddy. resisitng urge to create sappy playlist and hug complete strangers.
bah!

well hell

two jobs...starting to catch up to me...

So... tbiltm contacts me. ok. great. what a stupid mind fuck. I don't think anything will ever come of this which is, tragic. but at least i know i wasn't making everything up in my head. how do you move on from that tho.

i let go the one i was seeing because i would never feel for him the way i felt for tbiltm. and he was terrible for my self-esteem and wouldn't shut up about his "hot black girl friend" he once had... so fuck that. what about the hot young girl friend he could have had if he had only opened his eyes to see what was there before it walked away?

so all you idiots who i try to give my heart to. stop being dbags. i have an infinte capacity to be the best lover, friend ever. don't fucking call me if you just need to get something off your consciense. fuck you. don't fucking claim me, but not want to acknowledge me until someone else seems interested. don't fucking tell me you only like people with "real jobs." don't blame your fucking insecurities on me. don't fucking pretend you want a relationship then fucking send me home at midnight. all you...

today, is an ordinary day...

and, here we are, again
we pretend
to remain friends
my eyes were opened wide, to the things i was missing
i could not control, the paths were drifting

so go on, and move along
i'll keep on looking through
so go on, and move along
i wish that it was you

but, i was wrong, again
i thought, but then
was only paper and pen
i though if i declared,listing all the qualities,
in someone to have, there are no guarantees...